On My Way

April 27, 2022

Two plus years since having spent any in-person quality time together. Leading up to my departure, I'd love to say that I had feelings of exception and enthusiasm. But, nothing is further from the truth. In fact, I've been filled with anxiousness, worry and confusion all of which led to an internal conflict. Such conflict has me thinking about expectations of life - a life to be shared with another.

We've spent the years building an emotional connection and discussing some of the ways of how we wanted to share our lives with each other. But, what did it all mean? Can I trust what he's told me? Does he trust what I've told him? How difficult will it be? So many questions answered but still so many unanswered. There's no way, I can board a plane in such a state of internal conflict.

The day arrived. My flight, an evening flight, left my mind to be preoccupied with last minute packing and decisions. I make my way to the airport by arriving the obligatory 4 hours ahead of time. My sister drops me at the airline door and we say an awkward farewell. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that's making me want to turn around and go back home. Is it instinct, intuition or nerves? I quickly decided, "it's nerves and it'll be okay".

I make my way inside and see the long lines. Fortunately, I need only to baggage drop and have my passport scanned. I dropped my bag and headed to security. The walk to security seemed like the longest walk that I've had in ages. But, in fact, it was quick as well as the actual security line. In under 40 minutes, I'd been dropped off at the airport, checked my luggage and made it through security with plenty of time to spare.

As I made my way to the departure gate, I kept reminding myself it's going to be fine. But, I'd yet to feel any excitement or enthusiasm about my voyage. It was odd!

I arrived to the gate. I sat down and put on my headphones. I closed my eyes. I remember, "take a breath, a deep cleansing breath"! I remember, "calm your mind, calm your spirit and things will become clear". I sit just moments longer with my eyes closed, drowning out the noise of the hustle and bustle of the airport activity. I removed all thoughts of "what if" and other negative talk from my mind.

Filling my mind with positive self talk and reminders to expect nothing, made me feel much better. I set my mind on being open to new experiences, changing landscapes and new connections.

The nerves left, the anxiety dwindled and the internal conflict ceased and I am vibrating at a higher energy with more confidence, control and calmness.

(In doing so, I later discovered it would serve me well...)