One Kiss at a Time

At times, our dreams are a reflection of our irrational fears. Those irrational fears lack a logical basis in reality which may be rooted in deep-seated emotions, past experiences, or even cultural influences. These words are part of my illogical fears - part of my not-so-nice dreams. -

Kiss me One More Time, François Wattre

I care for him deeply. Some would even venture to say that I've truly fallen in love with him. But, I don't think I can say that with certainty. I do care for him as much as I suspect I'd care for him if he were my husband. I know that I've dreamed of a future with him - a future family and life filled with joy, excitement, laughter, tenderness, and prosperity. But, the question remains. How can I think of gifting him a future generation - a young Ammar - when he has yet to say that his feelings come anywhere close to mine? He's not open to love. He's closed his heart since his mom's passing, which I believe is hard to get through. I wish that I could understand. Though, I find it hard to believe that she would want her son closed off to love, closed off to the one gift that can help him heal and work through his grief. How can I keep loving a man who may possibly not love me back? I can't bring his child into the world knowing that. Can I? Is it only my love that matters? Is my love enough to sustain us? Yes, of course, it is. My love is amazingly sufficient and knows no bounds. But, I know that I don't want a relationship where love isn't returned to me. So, I'll wait. I'll wait for him to heal because I know he has the capacity to love and to love me greatly. How long I'll wait one cannot say! I do fear that time is of the essence as the clock is definitely not in my favor for giving him the gift of a future generation of Ammar's. I think he forgets that my age is working against us. I so want to look into the eyes of a future Ammar and smile knowing that she's on earth because her dad opened his heart and decided to share his love with me. I want to hold little Rathia's hand and feel the pulse running through her veins knowing that her father's love lives within her. I want to watch her playing with her dad and smile knowing that night she was conceived her dad gave me all of the genuine love that he could muster so that she could walk the earth. But, when will it happen? How will he love me? My guess is that it'll happen little by little. One day at a time. One hug at a time. Just one kiss at a time!

I hope he knows that my kisses have healing powers. My kisses have the power to bring clarity. I hope he knows that before our lips ever touched, I looked into his eyes and kissed him a million times. It's always been the kiss - one kiss at a time! He will open his heart one kiss at a time!

Our future Ammar will be here before we know it because her dad accepted and gave me, one kiss at a time!

I'll forever have part of him and he a part of me thanks to one kiss at a time!

----

N'cki Jaxon